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Gallery of Laughable Remarks

Have you ever considered the ocean of manure through which you must continually paddle when browsing the Internet for automotive tech? As you already know if you've read much of this website, I certainly have. Let's face it, there's a lot of incredibly BAD information out there. Misinformation, disinformation, and blind prejudice abound on the automotive forums. Most of it delivered by individuals with absolutely no command whatsoever of the English language.

But some of the flotsam is so outrageously lame that it's genuinely amusing. As one always eager to share, and never one to concern himself greatly with the mental masturbation that we refer to as "political correctness," I thought I'd chronicle my pick for the recipient of the "Most Laughable Automotive-related Remark" award each month. Every winning absurdity is selected based entirely on its ranking on either the chuckle-meter or the pucker-meter.

 

Without further adieu, here's this month's winner:

"I just got rid of some 18 x 10 wheels that I bought as a package from [well known vendor]. Those came with 285 Sumitomos on the rear which looked ridiculous. They were way too narrow and had to be stretched to fit onto the rim."

Umm, Sumitomo's recommended rim width range for 285/18's is 9.0 - 10.5 and the company mounts them on 10"-wide wheels to obtain its section and tread width specifications. But some kids aren't happy unless their sidewalls are bulging like Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Pucker factor: 10, Comic relief score: 10.0.

 

Previous Winners

"Using good suspension parts in a SRA will likely leave you with no idea the IRS is gone.."

Ha-ha-ha! True words only if you confine your driving to glass smooth road surfaces and always drive in a straight line. Comic relief score: 10.0.

 

"If your [sic] worried about NVH[,] a Cobra is not the car for you cause [sic] they are noisy with the stock IRS, [run-on] maybe a Cadillac or Honda may fit better if [you're] worried about a little NVH."

Typical "Tough Guy" bigotry at its worst. This pinhead obviously believes that everyone's priorities should be identical to his. His argument includes a false premise (the stock Cobra IRS is NOT noisy - under-damped for some tastes, but certainly not noisy), non-sequitur reasoning (it does not necessarily follow that a Cobra isn't the car for you simply because you have NVH concerns), and a logical fallacy often referred to as "the excluded middle," in which limited alternatives are offered, when in fact there are others (there are many available choices besides Cadillacs and Hondas). Just plain stinking thinking, poorly written, ill-considered, and not the least bit amusing. Literacy score: 1.5. Comic relief score: 0.0. Pucker Meter score: 10.0.

 

"So I am just curious if I'm able to get flames to come out my exhaust."

Ha-ha-ha! If you ever wondered why performance car drivers always seem to garner special scrutiny by the local constabulary, this glimpse into the thought process of one such owner should put that question to rest. Imagine this idiot sharing the same road with you and be afraid. Be very afraid. Comic relief score: 10.0. Pucker Meter score: 10.0.

 

"I can tell by that pic you need more positve [sp] caster, slam those struts to the firewall with the MM CC plates!"

Not a single word there about the impact this will have on the vehicle's bumpsteer characteristics. Honestly, some people's kids. Anyone who follows this advice without subsequently bumpsteering the front end is going to have a car that that is squirrely over broken pavement. Is it any wonder why so many of these cars handle so poorly? Max Motorsports advises in the installation guide for their caster/camber plates, "We recommend that caster be set to 4.5 degrees positive for street cars - but do not adjust the plate beyond the halfway point without special attention to bumpsteer detailed below." A comment like the one above is downright ignorant, because it overlooks or disregards crucial information. Comic relief score: 6.5. Pucker Meter score 10.0.

 

"Like title says help advice please OK so my brothers clutch went out in his 03 no biggie I said don't clutches before in gets and such How much different could it be well I put the flywheel and McLeod twin in Everything is aligned and no matter what I do I can't get the tranny in Its a half inch to a inch away and no its not the pivot ball holding it up From going in the input shaft is in thee clutch disc any advice thanks"

Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life here. Real, honest-to-God, unadulterated post. No shit. Literacy Score: 0.5 (half a point for correctly spelling McLeod). Comic relief score: 9.5.

 

"We do not offer ANY drilled rotors. I have seen far too many drilled rotors fail and I don't want failure associated with our parts."

Cheap parts will do that! Regardless of whether they're drilled rotors, slotted rotors or blanks. Regardless of whether they're brake parts, driveline parts, suspension parts, or whatever. One cannot throw every example of ANY design into the same pot with all the others. There are good and bad representatives of EVERYTHING under the sun. The bigoted statement above is a particularly hard sell for anyone who as used quality drilled/slotted rotors for many years in various street and track venues. Like myself. Pucker factor: 9.0. Comic relief score: 3.5. I am NOT amused.

Incidentally, that proclamation was uttered by the same "rocket scientist" parts vendor who would have you believe that urethane is just "glorified rubber." (Refer to previous winning entry below.) In fact, this is the same individual who loves to bash many of the products I endorse. Unfounded and nonsensical product bashing appears to be his favorite hobby.

 

"My car dont [sic] have foglights can i use the harness from my foglights to power my intercooler pump. If so which wires will i need to splice?"

SERIOUSLY??? Did he really ask that question? This individual needs to immediately sell every tool he owns. Really. Comic relief score: 9.5, literacy score 2.5.

 

"I have stock 03chrome cobras and 18r so close to size and 19cost so much I was wondering who has done it... ride tire clearance ect Id understand offset and wheel widths will make a difference in fitment... With that said my car is lowered with her ss springs... I and my exhaust drags i assume that the larger wheels will rase the car a little as well as wheel fender clearance and I'm ok with that to a extent.... Any info options r welcome.... I run 1" spacers in the rear and looking to roll the fenders in the near future"

Wow! He said WHAT??? Real forum post. Dead serious. And proof positive that illiteracy can be fun - as long as you aren't trying to make any sense of it. Comic relief score: a perfect 10.0, literacy score 0.0. Feel free to contribute a small donation to help pay for this individual's remedial English course.

 

"I've been to 150 on the crappy 275's that came on it when I bought mine and there was zero instability/sway felt as a result. Its not like theyre [sic] bias plys [sp] or anything. It might hurt you like -.05 g's on the skid pad, thats [sic] about it. Just do it. 150 really is NO big deal at all."

This one scores no points at all in the comic relief category, but does manage a solid 9.5 on the pucker meter. To understand why, you need to know the context in which these unbelievably moronic proclamations were made. These criminally irresponsible statements were regurgitated in response to an inquiry regarding the suitability of 275/40 tires on 8-inch wide rims for extended high speed driving - in the neighborhood of 150 mph - on European roads. (For those of you who came in late, the MINIMUM approved rim width for a 275/35 or 275/40 tire is nine inches, not eight.) Within this context, these statements are not only irresponsible, but they put the nimrod who published them at risk of both criminal and civil prosecution in the event misfortune befalls anyone as a consequence of following his stupendously BAD advice.

 

"That urethane crap is worthless. I had that on my car along with there [sic] MM sub frame [sic] bushings (urethane)... then went to the ******* full kit... hands down HUGE difference that put the MM urethane to shame. Going around corners in Wal-mart [sic] feels like a totally different experience."

This one tips the scales at a solid 9.0 on the chuckle meter. It was his last sentence that really gave it the boost it needed to lift it up out of the 8's. To borrow an old Bugs Bunny exclamation, "What a MAROON!" Hey, if going around corners in Walmart is high on your list of priorities, then by all means, you should follow this guy's lead. You'll undoubtedly get exactly what you deserve. Going around corners in Walmart? Really? Gee, that's certainly always been the acid test for me. What a hotshot this guy must be!

The fact that neither I nor anyone I know has ever experienced a single issue with urethane bushings - and some of us have been using polyurethane for well over twenty-five years - sometimes makes it very difficult for me to understand the product bashing to which this material is continually subjected on one particular Mustang forum. But when I consider that forum is populated primarily by cliques of morons looking to gain favor with a "good old boy" moderator who peddles an assortment of solid suspension bushings, the mystery disappears. Can you say "sycophant?" How about "shill?"

 

"I know people swear by the GM Synchromax stuff but I've read threads where there has been damage done after its [sic] been used ..."

This one earned a solid 8.9 on the chuckle meter, just barely missing a 9. What a hoot! This is a prime example of some forum clown with no firsthand product experience whatsoever slandering said product based on nonsense he's read in an Internet forum thread. He may as well have heard this from a drunken street bum. The source would be just as credible. But the real hoot is this self-proclaimed authority couldn't even manage to get the PRODUCT NAME straight! SynchroMAX is a Royal Purple product. The GM stuff is called SynchroMESH! They're NOT the same stuff, so which is our armchair tribologist smearing here despite his lack of any personal experience? It doesn't really matter, does it? I just shake my head at such nonsense, chuckle, and remind myself this is the quality of advice I can generally expect on the automotive forums.

 

"A 'hiway [sp] terror' is an accurate description for a flimsy open cockpit 4 seater if used as such. You really wanna go a buck fifty in one of those? I feel very "exposed" going balls out in that kind of car ..."

That disparaging remark was spewed out in response to an SN95 ragtop owner's expression of his desire to build up his car to support Autobahn-style highway speeds, and as such represents the epitome of sheer ignorance. This yo-yo is obviously not a convertible guy, and he is merely couching his general disdain for top-down motoring in the guise of a "safety" warning. As if he gave a shit about the other guy's welfare. Is he just an insufferable boor or is he genuinely oblivious of the fact that, with just a few appropriate chassis and suspension upgrades, an SN95 ragtop can handle "a buck fifty" with ease and relative calm any time, even with the top down? Does it really matter? This is an ignorant statement either way and rates a solid 9.0/10 on the chuckle-meter.

 

"Poly is glorified rubber ..."

What absolute horse shit! The only similarity between rubber and polyurethane is that they are both somewhat elastic materials at typical ambient temperatures. As far as I can tell, the CLEAR polyurethane mask on the front end of my Cobra bears little resemblance to rubber, and a urethane bushing is no closer to a rubber bushing than a vault door is to a screen door. To think the individual making that unbelievably ignorant remark paints himself as a "car guy" makes me laugh out loud, so this one was good for 9.0/10 on the chuckle-meter, but a goose egg on the credibility scale.